Ahhh the college final.

No better way for college professors around this sweet nation to measure just how many degenerates occupy their classroom on a weekly basis than to test them on all the information they know these idiots have neglected to study since the beginning of the semester.

Whats interesting is that many college students adopt the idea that despite the fact that they did the bare minimum for the entire semester up until the final review, that if they really study hard, they can ace it.

That shit never works

So we are going to provide you with some last minute tips that may help you pass at least one of your finals – hopefully 2…or enough to keep your ass off of academic probation!!!

Cheat – This is the easiest way to make up for all those night you spent trying to get laid (unsucccessfully) or fucked around drinking (successfully) – I wont get into what methods are best (Perhaps a cheat sheet on size 4 font taped to the inside of your baseball cap, that you non chalantly take off during the exam??) but think outside the box!!

Lie – This is sound advice because the sky’s the limit – Your grandmother died, your putting your dog down – fuck, in this economy you can pull the ol’ “My house is being foreclosed, so I have to go back home for moral support”. This shit works. Many professors would rather give you a C than an F if for anything, to salvage their reputation - no professor is proud of a handing out a bunch of  F’s and D’s. But they will be proud of relieving some kid of their stress during the holiday time when they are losing a close family member!!! So give them some moral incentive, and it’s a win-win situation for both parties.

Resort to Cash – If you got it, or better yet – if mommy and daddy got it – flaunt it! I mean I couldnt imagine pulling that one off, and I am a shameless motherfucker, but I know for a fact that it does occur on college campuses. So if money aint a ‘thang, make it rain on em!

Start Scouting – We are going to assume that a large portion of you guys will fail. So, the best thing to do is scout out your teachers for next semester.  Find out which teachers assign take home exams and try to take as many of those classes as possible – Ceramics, Dance, fuck it – make it work! Then for the remaining classes, scout out which teachers give open book exams. The whole goal with this is to maximize the follow up semester to your failure. Remember after the spring semester is when you return home for 2-3 months - If you can turn this around by summer you come back home as Son/Daughter of the year…Then you can spend the entire break getting fucked up and look like a hero!!

Logical

D.Smith

“I am broke…hungover…and I just realized that I have 4 midterms for classes that I haven’t even bought the books for…fuck it…I’ll just get drunk with my new buddies and worry about it tomorrow…”

This is the exact thought pattern of our buddy The College Freshman at around 6 or 7 pm on a Saturday in October…

Shit has officially hit the fan…

Orientation seems like it was years ago…

And so does the last time you did laundry…considering your dorm room smells no greater than the crack of a plumber’s ass (No…not Joe The Plumber)….

You think you may have an STD (that or your new boxers are really itchy)…

And to top it all off…

You wake up and find your self looking like this…

Passed out…

Smeared with shaving cream…

A collection of cigarette butts on your head…

And a banana at your lips as if your about to deep throat that shit…

Rock…fucking…bottom…

Not even we let shit get this bad during our tenure as college students…

What is truly remarkable (gosh I’m just full of cute little McCain camp catch phrases today huh?…say it ain’t so!)…is this sad sack of shit will probably experience this sort of abuse again…

If your the type of motherfucker who passes out that hard…to the point where loud drunk assholes could smear your entire head with shaving cream and decorate that shit with cigarette butts without you waking up…

Not so sure how bad I feel for you buddy…

I will however offer a tiny piece of advice…there are only 2 options you have for payback when something of this nature is done to you:

a) Immediately fuck one (or all) of the loser’s girlfriends that did this to you…and tape it! – You never know when this idiot will try to bring that shit up a few weeks down the line…that’s when you bust out your iPod like…”If you think that was funny…check this out!!!”

b) Find the person who did this to you and just pee all over their dorm room and/or car…

Choose wisely my friend…choose wisely…

Logical

D.Smith

So the weather is changing…

The days are getting longer…

Halloween is around the corner…

And all over college campuses, lucky 17 and 18yr old men are plowing through drunk college girls like a submarine….

I’m hating and I’ll tell you why…

I remember the days of roaming my dorm room in search of the “sluttiest female student of the month”….

I remember getting laid not because i had the most money…or the most expensive car…but simply because I had the most beer and the best weed!!!!

Now what have I got?

Over-priced drinks and “out of its prime” pussy….talk about a bad combo!!!

I am writing this not to feel sorry for myself, but more as an ode to those youngsters out there who may be experiencing this free for all right now and are naive enough to be taking it for granted…

While i congratulate these young men…I also hate them…

Hindsight is 20/20 and one of these lucky sons of a bitch is probably sitting in his dorm right now picking his best Billabong hoodie out of the pile of “still kinda clean” clothes on the floor of his room to go prey on his next victim tonight…

Frown

Fast forward 6 years and you will be just as miserable as us jerkoff!!!!

See I’m also writing this for my peers…the men who used to have their pick of the litter a few years ago but now find themselves wondering what went wrong after another useless weekend of wasting money and time wading through the inevitable sausage fest found at the “happening” bar or club they were sworn was the spot to find all of the PYT’s (pretty young things)…

Between the current state of relations between post-college men and women, and the modern reality of STDs, my fellow brothers are only left with expensive weed and internet porn to soothe their pain…

Is this what we have come to?

Electronic toys and gadgets are cool but I’m sure we would trade our iPhones and Garmin’s in for a year of STD free, condom free sex!!!!

It’s gotta be better than this…

Gotta be…

So enjoy it while it lasts college boys…we are all green with envy…

Logical

D.Smith

All over our glorious nation this week millions of young adults embarked on new college careers and flooded libraries, dining halls, and bars in large droves…

Obviously it wasn’t just college that resumed…but if I said crass and twisted shit about 9th graders….you guys might not take it so well…

With that said, lets take a closer look at one of their first classes and see if we can make any observations…

What you will immediately notice if you take a closer look at this picture is that there isn’t one student in here who is fully giving this poor schlub of a professor their entire undivided attention…

Some of this now assumed ordinary display of attention deficiency can be traced to the fact that probably 2/3 of these kids are on some sort of upper or downer or combination of both designed to keep their borderline retarded ass in a classroom for 2 hours, but hasn’t quite worked out because they have either swallowed or snorted half the bottle with or without their new found friends or roommates…

The other thing you may notice upon first glance is the girl directly in front of us with the white tank top could be masturbating…

I am not sure if this is some sort of a new trend amongst students and really that’s a whole different kind of post…so I wont elaborate…but definitely something noteworthy…

The next thing you may notice is there are about 4 or 5 dudes in a sea of women. I don’t care if these girls are middle of the road 6′s or knockout 9.5′s and 10′s, those odds are always favorable as a dude in a freshmen class. The problem is most of these gentlemen are suffering from a case of what i like to call being overwhelmed by the pussy.

These lucky sons of bitches haven’t let it sink in just yet that yes, they are out numbered by their female counterparts at an overwhelming rate of damn near 4-1. Come on fellas this is probably Art History 101 or Intro to Calculus, fuck taking notes!!! Now is your time to throw on that Axe, make eye contact, play footsies, and conquer the pussy!!! Get in there man. This is college now little fella and no one is going to hold your hand and make sure your balls get serviced on the regular…

We here at And This Is My America? may have to design a few orientation seminars to coach these young men in things like The Art Of Courting That Special Classmate Without Seeming Extra Thirsty In Front Of Other Classmates and other equally important, often deprived ares of concern.

In true equal opportunity fashion, we will be sure to host seminars for the female freshmen as well in areas like, How To Be Aware Of That Potential Stalker as well as a possible dual gender favorite How To Detect That First STD Without Sharing It With The Whole Dorm.

We will keep an eye on our buddies in college and offer any guidance that seems fit. Good Luck Class Of 2012!!!!

Logical

D.Smith