I forgot they had cameras…
Logical
D.Smith
Fuck “Bromance”, Lets Advocate For A Token Black Guy On “The Hills” Next Season…
Let Us On Or Else!!!!!
You know what?
Fuck MTV
This was supposed to be a “Bromance is the corniest shit I have ever seen on my television” post, as I was just recently exposed to that trash for all of about 10 minutes…
See the thing is, I’m not even hatin’ on Brody…
I’m mad that me, Mike James, and Jansen Wordsworth can’t get a 30 minute slot right after that motherfucker!!!!
Before this comes off as your typical run of the mill rant, allow me to elaborate…
Between Bromance and that bullshit Paris Hilton show, I’m Super Rich, So Find Me A Best Friend, it is clear MTV has just adopted the “fuck it” attitude…
I cant say I blame em…if it aint broke…don’t fix it I suppose…
I mean, we, and we is used in the broadest sense of the word, are the enablers in this equation…
If no one watched, this shit wouldn’t stand a chance…
But reality TV (aka train wreck TV, even the haters have to tune in sometimes) has this incredible ability to captivate us for long enough to sell ad space at light speeds without leaving us with feelings of complete self hatred.
In fact, most reality TV shows can do wonders for ones self esteem.
Like, ” OK this ordinary stuff may be bad, but at least I’m not Puck, eating peanut butter with my fingers like a caveman and shit…”
The Real World was one thing…
In the beginning I thought it was great, even though I was 12, and any show with girls in skimpy clothes getting drunk every episode would have been equally intriguing.
But what about the real million dollar question everyone forgets about.
What happened to the music??
We have all come to accept the fact that MTV stopped playing anything directly related to music a decade ago.
But its like they somehow have been given a free pass to keep the name…
If Comedy Central started exclusively playing dramas, I feel like there would be some kind of backlash…
If BET started playing only Hispanic shows, there would be an uproar!!!!
So, while it would be fun (and easy) to sit here and single out Bromance (It is called Bromance…)
Let’s hold the network accountable, and send them a message….
If Bromance makes it on, we make it on!
Cut And This Is My America a check you shameless bastards!!!
P.S. If anyone reading this works for MTV, or is affiliated with them, I would make a great token black guy for The Hills…
Logical
D.Smith
The Unemployment Chronicles – #1 – A Nice Tall Glass Of Reality…
Profound, I know...
Since I have been laid off, I have used the past few days to ponder the world….
That and partake in some heavy drinking and pot smoking….
Now that the dust has settled and its fully sunken in…it has become increasingly clearer what lesson I have learned from all of this…
And when you consider the amount of time I spent working towards becoming a lawyer, and being committed to working in a professional corporate environment in general, its kind of like drinking a nice tall glass of reality…
I really don’t wanna do any of that shit or anything like it…
I truly hated my time at my last job and I will do anything and everything short of selling my body on Fordham Road to not have to go back!
So, so far my plan to attain freedom involves several ventures, all of which involve me continuing to work from the privacy of my own home and most importantly, for my personal benefit…
Its interesting, several years ago, the only thing I cared about career wise was a six figure salary and attaining the lifestyle that came along with it…
But when you realize that the vast majority of non-athletic professions that will pay you that kind of money in your 20′s involve longer hours than what you complained and dreaded with a 9-5…it’s a clear message that maybe your not that dude that can just work at any job no matter how miserable it makes you…
So we’ll see
Even if I have to go backwards to go forwards, I just cant see myself settling and basically signing up for 15-20 yrs of misery just to have a little more money to buy shit to try to make myself feel better…
No thanks…I’m doing this my way…like Frank…
I’m sure there are thousands of you out there in your mid-twenties who have been recently laid off as well…
My advice to you guys is to band together with us!!!!
Band of Brothers!
We need to use this time to put ourselves in the position we dreamed of while we pretended to care about the work we were doing before they laid us off…
And on that note, I welcome you all to, The Unemployment Chronicles…
Logical
D.Smith
Fuck 2008!
My sentiments exactly...my sentiments exactly...
Yesterday I got laid off…
It’s interesting because the handwriting was on the wall…but it still sucked…
While Corporate America is shitty…a guaranteed check is always good…
However, I’d say all in all, it is for the best.
Fuck 2008
Talk about a shitty ass year
Shitty economy, shitty movies, shitty music…
Shitty shitty shitty…
So me and the rest of us here at And This Is My America are bidding farewell to a year that will always be marked by the biggest financial disaster since the Great Depression, as well as the biggest election our generation has seen.
With that said, there is light a the end of the tunnel (kind of)…
I do think things will change at some point…
And hopefully a new administration will bring an influx of jobs sooner than later…
But at the very least you have me, Devonte Smith, as well as And This Is My America to guide you through these turbulent times…
Books, feature films, HBO series, Apparel, Action Figures, Wii games….
The sky is the motherfucking limit for us – provided you do your part out there in viewer land…
For 3 small clicks a day you can help provide me and the next 2 generations of my family with a lifetime of quality rehab and public assistance (the best of both worlds)!!!
So lets all unite and support my out of work ass for as long as possible…
Remember, you guys did it for Scott Baio – at least I’m black!
Happy Fucking New Year!!!
C'mon, your gonna support this asshole, and not me?
Logical
D.Smith
Once again the Tibetian Monks are getting the shaft right up the ass
The Snuggie?
The Slanket?
How bout the GO FUCK YOURSELF!
This shit is hilarious:
Someone needs to break these righteous bald-headed fucks off of a piece the winnings!
- Mike James
The Original Snuggie Brigade
Christmas Eve-Eve
As I sit here at my job, shovelin’ coal and chewin’ skoal, I’m reminded of the carefree days when Christmas was pure. When Christmas was about 3 things:
- Tearing open presents without gratitude, restraint or care. “Who’s this from?” “Fuck it, just open the fucker and move on!” “You’re right! Fuck do I care?!” “Woooooo!” “CHRISTMAS!!”
- Weeding out the boxes we knew didn’t contain anything related to toys. Every child knows to dread those rectangular boxes, you lift them up and basically toss them into the air because all they contain is tissue paper and an article of clothing. TOO LITE TO BE FUN.
- Greedily tearing open cards and pocketing that sweet cash from Grandma.
Anything else was simply an unnecessary distraction. Food, lining up to take pictures, all that gayness that took away from precious gift opening time. I can’t speak for everyone out there, but I for one, no matter how slowly I opened my presents, was always the first person done. Which left me feeling alone and empty as everyone else wallowed in their joy. I hated those filthy bastards for seemingly reaping more rewards than I! But I digress.
The Sad Truth:
At this age, I’m too damn old for toys that don’t either cost hundreds of dollars, play pornography or go really really fast on the open road. I’m too damn old to still receive money from any of my extended family. And dare I say it, I actually enjoy recieving clothes, eeeeek! If the past ME could see Me now, he’d drop a steamy shit right into his busterbrowns in pure disgust.
Enjoy Christmas Lads! It never gets any better than when you’re younger!
Happy Holidays!
- Mike James
The 5 Things You DON’T Want To Do At Your Company’s Holiday Party
Ho Ho Ho (Great pic but whats up with the lipstick on the younger fellow??? Apparently, he didn't follow the rules!)
Well egg nog is in the air and everyone’s broke so that could only mean one thing…its Christmas time folks!!!!
One of the best things about Christmas is the infamous office party.
Quite frankly, it’s the one thing left for adults around this time – being that the focus of this great holiday is snotty little children…
With that said, its not a free for all my friends.
Now, we have all witnessed a handful of individuals who have crossed the line at an office party.
Shit gets bad…
Quickly…
So we here at And This Is My America have put together a little list to assure you keep your self-respect, as well as your job at this year’s holiday bash!
#5 – Pretend This Is A Job Interview For The Upper Level Dream Position You Want – There’s music, food, drinks, don’t try to sell yourself likes it’s the Mid-Atlantic Job Fair. Sitting there trying to tie every conversation to how dedicated you are to the company and how much you would love to explore other positions…barf. If you were in line for another position, chances are you would have gotten it by now, so suck it up and enjoy the free drinks…
#4 – Bring Your Entire Inner Circle – Perhaps your wife or boyfriend or significant other. Or even one close friend, but there’s no need to bring your 5 closest buddies to help take advantage of the open bar or your 3 girlfriends to help them pick up some rich lawyers at the firm. Bad idea. Not only do you look tacky but if your friends are the type that want to go? Then they will definitely be the type to bring a bunch of coke and pretend its a frat party…Yea…terrible I know…
#3 – Fight – No matter what happens – don’t get into a fight. Even if you KNOW your going to win. And especially if you KNOW you wont win!!! Obviously keep religion and politics off the conversation menu, but try to go easy on the sports talk as well fellas. Beers, Ohio State-Michigan rivalry, Yankees-Red Sox rivalry, etc….Bad news bears…Remember, this isn’t a sports bar and there are legal ramifications…I know that sounds pussy but not as pussy as the guy in jail looks for getting into a fight at his office party…terrible…I know…
#2 – Pick Up Chicks/Dudes – If you didn’t have the guts to suggest meeting up for drinks or a movie after work weeks ago, those 3 glasses of wine you just downed will not help. Remember don’t shit where you eat. Best (and this is like damn near impossible) case scenario you actually do pick the girl or guy up and the two of you drunk idiots go home and fuck each others brains out…then have some weird, uber-awkward tumultuous relationship that makes everyone else in the office feel weird in meetings for the next 2 months…then you break up…which is even more awkward…OR the more likely scenario – you try and fail miserably and look HORRIBLE in front of all your coworkers which motivates you to drink more which will only make you look worse…Yea…terrible…I know…
#1 – Drink Too Much – This is by far the most important thing to follow on this list. In fact, you could probably do everything else on this list sober and it would be just about equal with how bad you would be perceived at work the next day. What’s funny is, you could be the type of motherfucker who doesn’t do the rest of the shit on the list but once the Remy is in the system, you become that guy. Remember, the difference between over drinking at a family function is those bastards have to accept you for the degenerate, belligerent, lush that you have become – these guys at work can just fire you!!!
Logical
D.Smith
“What Do You Mean Our Final Is Cumulative??? – The Trials And Tribulations Of The Unprepared College Freshman During Finals
Ahhh the college final.
No better way for college professors around this sweet nation to measure just how many degenerates occupy their classroom on a weekly basis than to test them on all the information they know these idiots have neglected to study since the beginning of the semester.
Whats interesting is that many college students adopt the idea that despite the fact that they did the bare minimum for the entire semester up until the final review, that if they really study hard, they can ace it.
That shit never works
So we are going to provide you with some last minute tips that may help you pass at least one of your finals – hopefully 2…or enough to keep your ass off of academic probation!!!
Cheat – This is the easiest way to make up for all those night you spent trying to get laid (unsucccessfully) or fucked around drinking (successfully) – I wont get into what methods are best (Perhaps a cheat sheet on size 4 font taped to the inside of your baseball cap, that you non chalantly take off during the exam??) but think outside the box!!
Lie – This is sound advice because the sky’s the limit – Your grandmother died, your putting your dog down – fuck, in this economy you can pull the ol’ “My house is being foreclosed, so I have to go back home for moral support”. This shit works. Many professors would rather give you a C than an F if for anything, to salvage their reputation - no professor is proud of a handing out a bunch of F’s and D’s. But they will be proud of relieving some kid of their stress during the holiday time when they are losing a close family member!!! So give them some moral incentive, and it’s a win-win situation for both parties.
Resort to Cash – If you got it, or better yet – if mommy and daddy got it – flaunt it! I mean I couldnt imagine pulling that one off, and I am a shameless motherfucker, but I know for a fact that it does occur on college campuses. So if money aint a ‘thang, make it rain on em!
Start Scouting – We are going to assume that a large portion of you guys will fail. So, the best thing to do is scout out your teachers for next semester. Find out which teachers assign take home exams and try to take as many of those classes as possible – Ceramics, Dance, fuck it – make it work! Then for the remaining classes, scout out which teachers give open book exams. The whole goal with this is to maximize the follow up semester to your failure. Remember after the spring semester is when you return home for 2-3 months - If you can turn this around by summer you come back home as Son/Daughter of the year…Then you can spend the entire break getting fucked up and look like a hero!!
Logical
D.Smith
The Fleshlight – A True Sign Of Mankind Settling…
This is what we get?
Some rubber tube with fake pussy lips on the end?
I wouldn’t feel cheated if women weren’t given 100 different types of vibrators and dildos – different sizes and colors and shit.
But somehow…someway…we as men have stood back and let them have all the fun in the world of sex toys…
We have come up with state of the art lawn mowers and barbecues and all sorts of other Tim The Tool Man Taylor-esque stuff to facilitate with day to day manly duties.
But we leave masturbating out?
This seems like settling…
I mean I was all for a Fleshlight until I thought about the one thing no one discusses when they bring it up…the clean up…
Sure its all fun when your cranking that shit like its your job but good look rinsing that motherfucker out in the sink you brush your teeth or wash your dishes in…
Yea…my sentiments exactly…
So we here at And This Is My America have decided to use this economic downturn to modify the technological and economical advancements in sex dolls.
You make think its lame but if you could get a Real Doll for $32.99 every man in America would buy one!!!!
Everyone in America x $32.99….
You do the math guys, you do the math
Logical
D.Smith
