The Curious Case Of Gregory Oden…

21 yrs old huh? ...righttttt

21 yrs old huh? ...righttttt

Now we all know that movie The Curious Case of Benjamin Button…

If not, check out the trailer:

So you get it, the story of a man who starts his life old, and gets younger as he ages…creepy…yes, I know

But interesting to say the least

Now, we all know Greg Oden, the center for the Portland Trailblazers, right?

If not, check out this commercial:

Ok, now I’m not the brightest man in America, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that whatever disease or malfunction that Benjamin Button has that causes the motherfucker to age in reverse may be what Greg Oden has

…and he doesn’t even know it!

Greg Oden is 21 yrs old

The picture above was taken when he was in college

He was born in 1988

He was definitely able to buy liquor for the high school kids when he was in middle school

How else could this kid possibly look 47 at 19?!?!?!

When they put two and two together, and properly diagnose this gentleman, I would just like some props for pointing this one out before everyone else…

Logical

D.Smith

Published in: on February 12, 2009 at 7:55 am  Comments (5)  
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“Say It Ain’t So A-Rod” – The Quote No One Said Because No One Would Be Stupid Enough To Believe He Didn’t Juice Up

arod-1

When is the world going to wake up and realize that these steroids are making the game better, not worse!

1. A-Rod
2. Barry Bonds
3. DoucheBag Conseco
4. Roger Clemens

What do all these people have in common?  If you said ‘steroid use’ you’re wrong.  If you said they’re all a bunch of crybabies, well you’d be right, but that’s still not what I meant.  The correct answer is this: They all belted a shitload of home runs and turned the otherwise painfully boring game of baseball into a thrill a minute!  

I, for one, am all for injecting these big galoots with every chemical substance known to mankind.  If I heard a rumor that pigeon shit mixed with antifreeze could give an otherwise talentless person the ability to knock a baseball a quarter mile, then by god, some talentless person better show me an ass cheek and a huge syringe!

——————————–SPECIAL BULLETIN!———————————

I no longer give a flying shit about steroids, Major League Baseball or any of my loved ones!   Someone has just made my fucking day and sent me a sneak peak at the new Tarantino movie coming out.  So I’ll be changing subject matter to that. 

Here’s the video:

Cue me, ejaculating into my khakis pants and using my Jamba Juice apron to wipe it off.

I wish there was a banned performance enhancing drug that could allow me to create masterful cinematic experiences the likes of Kill Bill and Pulp Fiction.  Goddammit!  I’m one jealous Jamba Juice slinging motherfucker.

And now I will go back to sobbing quietly into my Mango Metabolizer.

- Mike James
“And I want my Nazi scalps”

Published in: on February 10, 2009 at 3:37 pm  Comments (2)  
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We Want In!!! – And This Is My America Crew Set To Break Paltry 72 Hr Television Watching Bid And Take The Guinness Book Of World Records Crown!!!

Eye On The Prize Bitches!!!

Eye On The Prize Bitches!!!

http://www.blatherskite.com/index.php/2009/02/sri-lankan-is-broadcasters-dream-world-record-watching-tv-72-hours-stockholm-kiefer-sutherland-24/

Ok, there’s not a lot of world records that I think I can obtain

But when the record is for consecutive hours of watching television, call me a hater, but I instantly think I can compete

Allow me to introduce you to Suresh Joachim

This Sri Lankan gentleman currently holds the world record for consecutive television watching at, what I believe is, a very paltry 72 hours

I don’t mean to undermine Mr. Joachim’s accomplishment, but I just feel like I already won this record in college 7 years ago!!!

3 days?

Are you kidding me?

That shit is a cakewalk

So here’s what I’m gonna do

Beat the record on paper fair and square…

72 hours?

I think we here at And This Is My America can easily clock roughly 96 hours of consecutive television watching given the proper resources

See he went the “3 seasons of 24” route

I would definitely fall asleep watching 3 days worth of 24

I’m an 80′s baby so we’re gonna need a variety of quality television if we are going to truly claim this title…none of this no frills, fly by night crap…

For starters, The Cosby Show!

Always had a thing for Vanessa, must have been them Goodwill clothes and that I smoke weed to rebel against my doctor daddy attitude...

Always Had A Thing For Vanessa, Must Have Been Them Goodwill Clothes And That "I Smoke Weed To Rebel Against My Doctor Daddy" Attitude...

I can easily watch a good 12 hours of The Cosby Show before even starting to get bored!!!

Throw in about 6 cases of Red Bull, a boatload of the stuff that got Michael Phelps in trouble, some trail mix and other naturally energetic foods, a Slurpee machine, the finest love seats we can afford, and of course the most comfortable outfits we can find…

At this point ladies and gentleman, Team And This Is My America is ready for the long haul…

They Dont Make Em Like They Used To...

They Dont Make 'Em Like They Used To...

We can surely fire up a few episodes of Perfect Strangers and cool out with Balki and his stories from Mypos for an afternoon

But here’s the thing

I know at some point I am going to get cranky…super cranky…

This is when we counter attack and feed the crankiness till I snap out of it…throw the baby a motherfuckin’ nipple!

I Dont Even Have Anything To Write In The Box, I Think The Corny Cheerleader-esque pose by the 90210 cast is more than enough...

I Don't Even Have Anything To Write In The Box, I Think The Corny Cheerleader-esque Pose By The 90210 Cast Is More Than Enough...

A few power hours of back to back Beverly Hills 90210 and Melrose Place should do it…

Let the crew sit back and engage in the ultimate hatefest…picking that shit apart like a girl’s blind date horror story to her best friend

When that gets old (after about 18, 19 minutes) we move on to about 16 and a half hours of  The Honeymooners…

What Would New Years Day Be Without Em?

What Would New Years Day Be Without 'Em?

Next up, MacGyver…that guy can have you on the edge of your seat for at least 6-8 hours…

No Question This Man Is Badass!

No Question This Man Is Badass - Notice Richard Dean Anderson's Striking Resemblance To Sting? Ahh Bet You Didn't Notice That When You Were 7 Now Did Ya?

Sorta like any number of Steven Segal movies (when marijuana is readily and easily accessible), oh so bad its good

By that time, the testosterone will be flowing

Too Hot For TGIF...

Too Hot For TGIF...

Time to smooth it out with Topanga from Boy Meets World and Six from Blossom…

I Never Got Why Six Wasnt The Star, Besides The Cool Name, Why Give The Headline To The Chick With The Mr. Ripleys Believe It Or Not Nose???

I Never Got Why Six Wasn't The Star, Besides The Cool Name, Why Give The Headline To The Chick With The "Mr. Ripley's Believe It Or Not" Nose???

Two of the roundest booties in sitcom history!

If you don’t believe me, YouTube it brother…

And there’s no doubt who the last stretch of this marathon belongs to…

…none other than the Fresh Prince Of Bel Air!

Hands Down, MVP Of The Show Goes To Geoffrey The Butler!

Hands Down, MVP Of The Show Goes To Geoffrey The Butler!

So please, get yours check books and near maxed out credit cards ready

We will need funding to gather all the resources together, because we are winning this record!

Stay tuned guys, we are working with Don King to bring the whole performance to you live via Pay Per View!

And of course, the DVD and HBO: Making Of Special to follow…

Shameless people, shameless…

I personally co-sign this project! - Don Fuck You, Pay Me King

"I personally co-sign this project!" - Don "Fuck You, Pay Me" King

Logical

D.Smith

Published in: on February 9, 2009 at 4:46 am  Comments (1)  
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The Unemployment Chronicles – #3 – When It Officially Starts To Sink In…

http://money.cnn.com/2009/02/05/news/economy/jobs_outlook/index.htm?postversion=2009020607

Well guys, I’m still unemployed…

In fact a lot of us are…

And the above statistics about things getting worse, certainly do not give any of us out here on the unemployment line a warm fuzzy feeling inside.

But let’s not dwell on the obvious for too long.

What I realized recently is I can now point out the phases of unemployment.

First it’s like shock/madness/happiness…

Depending on how you felt about the job, everyone feels one of the 3 when it becomes official.

Then for many, its sheer panic.

You start to see all the things you planned on doing in 2009 flash before your eyes.

Because what do all of them have in common?

They cost a shitload of money that all of a sudden you don’t have coming your way…

And then you let out one big giant “FUCK!“

Then its pure pandemonium for the next 18-24 hrs.

During those hours you research your unemployment benefits, where you stand with all your bills, and come to the conclusion of what you can expect as far as cash flow for the foreseeable future…

See whats interesting about being unemployed is, it can pretty much only be a feasible situation if you were a young, near responsible free, disgruntled, paper pusher like I was when it occurred.

Which is why for the most part, I feel like I cant complain…

While I don’t have a ton of spending money, my rent and bills are covered for the time being with unemployment.

So it could be worse…a LOT worse…

The scary thing is, I wathed Suze Orman on Larry King Live last night, and neither one of them had any positve spin for all of this.

In fact, when Larry asked Suze whether we are in a depression yet or not, she said she wasn’t sure but that we, “sure are depressed…”

To be quite frank, they sounded scared.

And its probably because they are just as unsure as the rest of us.

I mean it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that shit is getting worse, not better.

So, I’m not quite sure when that light at the end of the tunnel will finally peek its head through, but one thing is for sure, for me and many of my fellow brothers and sisters that are also unemployed, it has definitely sunken in…

Logical

D.Smith

Published in: on February 6, 2009 at 12:48 pm  Comments (1)  
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We Got Your Back Phelps…Tell All The Haters You Just Won A Bunch Of Gold Medals You Can Smoke All The Chronic You Want!!!

Jeez, Let a Brother Get His Smoke On In Peace...

Jeez, Let a Brother Get His Smoke On In Peace...

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/02/01/michael.phelps.marijuana/index.html

See this is what I don’t like

Now the world has Michael Phelps feeling like he did something bad

Fuck that!

It’s not bad judgment

It’s bad luck that some idiot took a pic of him hitting the bong just to make a quick buck…

But bad judgment?

HA

If you can go out and swim like a fish for 2 weeks and win a ton of gold medals and break every record in your sport in the fucking Olympics then gosh darn it you should be able to smoke some chronic!

Why?

Because why not!

My man Mikey Phelps clearly hasn’t let chronic ruin his motivation (like the rest of us)

So brush them haters off Mike!

And next time your in New York, holla at us over here at And This Is My America

We would love to meet up and smoke a few dutches

No pictures, we promise ;)

Logical

D.Smith

Published in: on February 2, 2009 at 11:41 am  Comments (2)  
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Her Cup Runneth Over…

http://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/view/67835/I-ve-got-the-world-s-biggest-boobs/

Much, much too much…

And this is coming from us…

Logical

D.Smith

Published in: on February 1, 2009 at 1:07 pm  Comments (1)  
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Makes You Wish You Were There To See It…

…Simply to see if it was as corny as it looked on YouTube!

Don’t worry guys, when they are casting for the next You Got Served movie, all those days you spent like this in your mom’s basement will no longer be in vain…

Logical

D.Smith

Published in: on February 1, 2009 at 9:23 am  Leave a Comment  
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Raise The NYC Sales Tax??? I Thought You Wanted A Third Term Mayor Bloomberg…

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/30/nyregion/30bloomberg.html?_r=1&hp

And we thought you were cool…

Instead of raising the sales tax, how bout you reach in those deep pockets of yours and make up the difference buddy :)

If you pull this off, I’m running against you for mayor motherfucker!!!

Your time is up, you tyrant!

Walking around here like he’s King Bloomberg

He must have bumped his fucking head or something…

Logical

D.Smith

Published in: on January 30, 2009 at 10:02 am  Leave a Comment  
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And You Thought I Was Joking??? – First Starbucks Cuts Corners, Now The U.S. Postal Service Wants To Cut Service Down To 5 Days?!?!?

http://money.cnn.com/2009/01/28/news/economy/postal_service/index.htm?postversion=2009012820

See

One day its decaf, the next its your mail…

The way this is going, they may shut school down soon…

Which would just be incredibly scary.

I mean the kids are dumb as shit as it is, we definitely don’t need to exacerbate the situation all together!

So back to my mail

If this somehow does take into effect, I will be pissed!!!

I mean how many times have you been waiting for a check in the mail and it finally came on a Saturday?

(Probably not that many, but for the sake of the argument at least nod in agreement)

How many times have you gotten a Netflix movie or package on a Saturday and been thankful you didn’t have to wait till Monday?

The point is, there has to be another way around this.

We need to revolt!

Because while the thought of cutting school is slightly humorous, the thought of doing that to say the sanitation department, would be terrible.

Imagine, garbage pickup once a week?

Whole city smelling like a dead man’s butthole?

No Thanks!!!

Logical

D.Smith

Published in: on January 29, 2009 at 7:47 am  Comments (1)  

Bikini Kill?

LatiNOT?

LatiNOT?

For some unfathomable reason the good people down at the ultra posh and always classy establishment known as the Hawaiian Tropic “Tropic Zone”, felt that this latina didn’t have what it takes to serve over-priced watered down margaritas to morons in Times Square.

I, for one, find it appalling that a would-be stripper can’t seem to find decent work in the field of cheeseburger delivery.  If I walked into the Tropic Zone this is exactly the type of broad I would hope to be served by.  Three reasons:

1. She’s obviously for sale (and completely affordable).
2. She’s patriotic.
3. She’s definitely not going to mind your morbid obsession with Usher (look at the picture behind her).

Miss Melody Morales, if I was running the show you’d be elbow deep in chicken wings and bleu cheese sauce at this exact moment.  I’d appoint you head waitress in the truck stop of my heart.  I’d show those bastards at Hawaiian Tropics that Grade A Ass comes in all shapes and sizes, and even though some of them can’t properly pronounce the words ”mmm yoo so stoopid”, doesn’t mean they’re going to detract future clientele from your first class institution.

-  Mikey-Mike James
(friend to all races and places)

Published in: on January 28, 2009 at 6:20 pm  Comments (4)  
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